One point was stressed by our Marriage and Family professor about the Stages of Identifying Weaknesses, and that is Distractibility. He said that a person keeps himself preoccupied in order to escape from problems and forget about reality. Before, I considered myself strong, but now, the only thing that keep me going are happy thoughts – similar to how Peter Pan is able to hang on up in the sky.
For 3 years, I have been active in college organizations. Activities somehow lowered my grades but I never blamed any of my extra-curricular activities for that. In fact, I always told my family that I would have had lower grades if I weren’t inspired to study harder because of time pressure and workload. Every year, I followed the lives of upperclassmen who I befriended. Most of them are now in medical school. With their guidance and support, I made it past 3 years. Honestly, I do not have the grades of a Cum Laude but I have made myself a stronger, more mature and better person with the help of the organization I belonged to.
My last year as a college student began last June and drastic changes manoeuvred my supposedly ‘pre-med’ life. I decided to quit one service-oriented org and chose to stay in the college publication where less sweat is consumed. After a month, one of my research group colleagues persuaded me to join the glee club. I gave in. Instead of pulling myself away from other stuff and focusing on academics, it seems like I attracting the same busy schedule just like before. There is something wrong with me. One of my batch mates even told me “I thought you were to focus on academics and get yourself out of org trouble?” and I plainly said, “I now belong to a different kind of group.” I didn’t actually answer the question because I was so embarrassed to face the fact that I was escaping from something else.
Sometimes we make decisions wherein we have no idea how much it would affect our routine. We meet people whom we thought will help us become more productive individuals but actually, these people consume us little by little. We all have problems and how easy it is to share it to anyone we want, but what if it becomes very hard for us to disclose it to anybody? Or it becomes so big and complicated that you yourself can hardly understand what is happening?
During summer, I already felt this heaviness in my heart. They say that tears fall when the soul perspires. Indeed, my soul is exhausted. I am bothered by thoughts which are hard for me to grasp. There is denial and hatred, and often, there is sadness. But I was raised not to spread my unhappiness to the people around me. They see that nothing is wrong and I am conditioning myself that way as well.
I thought of ways on how to treat myself. My curious mind drew me to searching about ‘manic depression’ over the internet. I found entertainment. I tried to smile. I sang. I wrote more. If singing would be a diversion, then let it be. If writing would be a way to release what’s inside of my beaten heart, then so be it. At this point, I am simply distracted.